Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
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friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
unbelievably distressed by this ad
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on