imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
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Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!