Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
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Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.