It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
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[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Never forget.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper