Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
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*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition