my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
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Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off