Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
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God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
time for some seasonal decor