Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
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Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
#SuperBowl
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
#titanic
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.