Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
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I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
this is me
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.