Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
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My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
thank god
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.