Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
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There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.