Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
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If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
inside you are two wolves
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.