[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
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Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep