You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
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Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?