I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
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[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
#Caturday
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Festive toon…
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
groan^2
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.