MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
You Might Also Like
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
there has never been a better use of this meme
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
I’d use my best pan on you.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Netflix and you sit over there.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.