One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
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My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
When your parents check you’re ok.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”