Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
You Might Also Like
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
just witnessed a drug deal
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.