“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
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A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”