I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
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Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Cat.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.