I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
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LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.