My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
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*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks