When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
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The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Happy Star Wars day!
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously