My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
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[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
This took me a second..
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.