Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
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The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Social Media and Real life
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.