Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
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Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.