horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
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me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
My doctor says I only have one diabete.