I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
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I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
🤣
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale