[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
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I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet