Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
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ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.