That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
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I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?