People who are bad at hiding, I see you
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My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
an airline just for babies.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
the answer was staring at me all along
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
mentally somewhere in italy
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers