There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
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Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.