6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
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I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date