If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
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Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful