Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
You Might Also Like
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie