Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
You Might Also Like
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement