*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
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I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
🤣could you imagine
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.