Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
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If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Go girl power!
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
(Jupiter –
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great