Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
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A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.