Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
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my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.