My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
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Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.