When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
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“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
early stone age tool
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man