Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
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I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Great acting.. 😂
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
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ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.