Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
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I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf