Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
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A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
We need to put an American base on the sun
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”