It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
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SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
I’m about to risk it all
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.