Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
You Might Also Like
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.