I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
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ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.