My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
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USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
I have a black belt in leather